Saturday, October 19, 2013

Witches of East End Recap - Episode 2


Beauchamp first aid kit. The Neosporin is under the eye of newt.

Freya's looking for a way to save her sister. She finds the family’s box o’ spells and opens it. There’s lost of old (really old) family pictures inside. She stares at a picture of her and her sister in 70’s bellbottoms. Swanky. Then she starts looking for a spell to save Freya.

Scene shift to Freya's steadily deteriorating situation. She's still stuck inside the photograph. The photograph featured the Bent Elbow in the 1920s. Everyone is wearing period costume and vintage music plays. She asks the picture people to help her but they don’t see or hear her. She opens the exit door, but it’s bricked shut. The sunburn guy appears. He is still stalking her with the sickle. Things don't look good.

We are now in the police station. Joanna has her fingerprints and mugshot taken. She's taken to an interview room and is interrogated by the police detective. She gets the detective to give her a lot of information then asks for her lawyer. Good strategy. I’m guessing she has a lot of experience with this arrest/interrogation/burning at the stake thing. She’s a pro.

No rack? No thumbscrews? Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Back to chez Beauchamp. Ingrid finds a resurrection spell and decides to use it on her dead aunt. This is such a bad idea. Was she really a Folklore and Mythology major? Anyone with an iota of occult knowledge (or even pop culture knowledge) would know that this is a bad idea. First, quintuplets and now monkey's paw. I'm not impressed with Ingrid's magical expertise.

Scene shift to the bar picture. Sunburn guy finds Freya. But he doesn’t kill her yet. He’s feeling chatty. Apparently he’s her ex-boyfriend and he’s really angry. Did she sleep with his brother too?

Meanwhile, back in the house, Ingrid resurrects Wendy. Wendy is really pissed. She tells Ingrid that the resurrection spell has consequences. Well, duh.  If you resurrect someone you love, someone you love has to die. Ingrid is surprised. Apparently, Folklore and Mythology majors don’t read The Monkey’s Paw, or Pet Sematary, or House of Mystery comic books.

Sunburn guy ties Freya up and starts a fire. He makes a speech then leaves her to burn. Apparently, Freya used to date Bond villains.

Dash comes into the bar, the real bar. He plays pool with Killian and chews him out for being a bad son. Killian leaves and Dash asks after Freya. The painting in the restroom is burning. Freya is still tied to bar in the painting. The flames are really far away. Honestly, sunburn guy is such a screw-up. No wonder Freya broke up with him.

Ingrid and Wendy drive to the bar. They bicker.

Joanna’s lawyer arrives. He’s not a witch but seems to be immortal. He promises to get Joanna out of prison. He's an interesting character, so I hope he comes with a law firm. I miss Wolfgram & Hart.

Freya magically unties herself and boinks sunburn guy on the head with a wooden mermaid (he’s so bad at this revenge thing). She gets out of the painting and Dash takes her out of the burning restroom. She revives, but doesn’t remember anything. She thinks had a dream that she visited a 1920s speakeasy.

Wendy and Ingrid arrive at the burnt bathroom. Wendy promptly turns into a cat (the resurrection spell is messing with her magic). Ingrid chants a spell to free Freya from the picture, but Freya arrives and asks her what she’s doing. Ingrid tells her that her speakeasy dream wasn’t a dream. Freya's not happy about that.

Wendy, Ingrid and Freya drive home. Joanna’s attorney leaves Ingrid a voicemail saying that they need $100,000 for Joanna’s bail and that the money is with Aunt Marilyn. Freya says that Aunt Marilyn is dead.  Wendy tells them that, in that case, they’ll need some shovels.

Dash visits Killian, who is living in his sailboat. He offers Killian money and tells him to leave town. Killian refuses. The brothers, it seems, have issues.

Scene shift to an alley behind the bar. Sunburn guy is back. He’s now burnt face man and he’s even less happy than before. Ingrid’s spell seems to have freed him from the picture. Way to go, Ingrid.

The girls dig up Aunt Marilyn’s grave. They bicker some more before they find a coffin. They open it and find a pile of money.  Well, several piles, which they will, presumably, use to bail their mom out of prison. I hope they tell us how the girls chant their way out of the federal money laundering regulations. Now, that will take real magic.

The girls bail Joanna out (no, they don’t address the money laundering issue, I call plot hole!). They sit around the kitchen table and spout backstory. You lied to me, I hate you, you’ve ruined my life, blah, blah, blah. Freya flounces out of the house.

Freya visits Killian’s boat. They whine about their families and fall asleep on the deck. There’s no nookie, just lots of whining. Okay, I’m convinced, these two are meant to be together.

Back at Beauchamp manor, Joanna realizes that sunburn guy may have escaped the bar photograph. Duh. She goes back to the bar with Ingrid and Wendy to check on the photograph.

Freya returns home to find a overflowing clawed foot tub and a flooded bathroom. The bathroom is amazing. The floor is black and white marble tile in a checkerboard pattern and there’s streaky marble tile on the walls. Gorgeous.

Anyway, sunburn guy pushes her into the tub and covers it with ice. Honestly, dude, just slice her throat open already. But no, sunburn guy leaves her drown, but Joanna and Co. arrive (of course) to foil his dastardly plan. Ingrid drags Freya out of the water while Joanna and Wendy trap sunburn guy into another painting.

Shovels are a girl's best friend.

The girls bury the painting where sunburn guy is trapped. Boy, these girls do a lot of digging. I guess broomsticks are out of fashion and the shovel is the new de rigueur witch accessory.

The girls return home. Dash is sitting on the porch steps waiting for them. Dash and Freya go up to bedroom for some cuddling. Freya’s room furniture looks straight out of the West Elm catalog. It's very disappointing.

Ingrid is researching the resurrection spell in the dining room. Real Joanna is playing with her Tarot cards. 

Demonic Joanna is in the yard. She casts a spell and a tree dies.

The End.

All pictures property of Lifetime Television.