Witches of East End - Season 2 - Episode 11

Back to the Past.

Joanna, Wendy and Freya are revisiting a past life and I’m running out of reasons to care about this show.

But enough about me.

They walk around a dock. The natives look at them strangely, probably because by local standards they are dressed in lingerie. Joanna says that it’s Baltimore 1848.

Ingrid and Gramps are having tea… under the tree where she was recently found dead? Ew. Grandpa explains that his new vessel won’t last long... blah, blah, blah. I’m not sure why Ingrid is so interested in bonding with her sociopath relative. It makes no sense. But, then again, I’m not sure anything about this show makes sense anymore.

Joanna leads Ingrid and Wendy down a street. She’s looking for something that will kill King/Grandfather permanently. How does she know that it will work? Because she used it to kill Freya once.

Dum, dum, dum.

Dash is back at the hospital, looking almost sane. Mystery Girl shows up, flashes her FBI badge and says she’s here to investigate the carving deaths. Dash looks significantly less sane. 

They look at some files and Mystery Girl tells Dash that they found another body floating in the river.

Dash's grip on sanity slips further.

Joanna and the girls go to a brothel. Apparently, they were the owners, which is pretty cool. Wendy goes nuts over her old wardrobe. Someone walks in and they hide behind the clothes. Past Wendy and Past Joanna come in fighting. Apparently, Victor just left and Joanna is not herself. The past selves leave and the girls steal some clothes and head out.

Dash goes to the morgue to visit his floater. Eew, that’s gross. He steals some teeth, which is even more gross. Then he hears a heartbeat. It’s all very Edgar Allan Poe.

Botanica time. The babalao and Not Eva say they can help Killian to break the curse between him and Freya. It’s too late for this life, but it will work in others. It’s a very expensive spell. It will cost Killian his life.

The girls are in a stable, bored. They have to wait until midnight, when Past Joanna kills Past Freya, so Joanna can get the weapon. Freya wants to know why her murder murdered her.

It’s flashback time.

Past Freya is serving bar and Killian shows up. Freya makes a special toast and asks Killian to come back after closing for a fortune telling. Apparently, the whole sex-for-money thing doesn't pay very well so the girls supplement their income by telling fortunes. She draws a tarot spread and Past Killian’s life is very similar to Present Killian’s life. In more ways than one, Past Killian and Past Freya end up making out.

Killian was Edgar Allan Poe? That’s cute, very cute. I'm starting to care again.

Ha! Freya almost flunked English because of Poe so she is quite upset about having been his muse in a past life. She was the inspiration for the Annabel Lee poem. Wendy was the inspiration for The Black Cat. But Freya broke the Omertà Code and told Poe that they were witches. This is cute. I'm still upset because of the Dread Episode 10 Massacre, but things seem to be looking up.

Poe’s inspiration dried up and he started drinking. Freya knows how to cure this… bring out the Ouija board!

 I guess they didn’t have horror movies in 1848 Baltimore.

A spirit appears (of course) and possesses Freya. Poe exorcises it. Or does he? Dum, dum, dum.

Back at East End, Gramps wants to find out why Joanna went to the past. He wants to greet Joanna back with a spell, but he needs a human sacrifice. He turns back into Bug Boy to go victim-hunting.

You know what that means, right? Yep, back to the Bent Elbow Bar. He picks up a girl at the bar. This is surprisingly easy, considering that the town has recently had a spate of serial killer deaths. Shouldn't the natives be a bit spooked? Guess not.

Mystery Girl shows up at Fairhaven. Dash freaks out, but she’s just here to make out.

Gramps is walking with the girl from the bar. They’re in The Forest Where Everything Bad Happens so, of course, something bad happens. Bar Girl in now Doomed Bar Girl because Gramps need a beating heart for his spell.

Beauchamps kitchen. Gramps is washing the blood off his hands. His beating heart ritual worked and he’s about to tell Frederick what he learned, but Ingrid shows up. He hurriedly shifts back into his grandpa shape.

Back to flashback. Poe didn’t exorcise the spirit and Past Freya is now Jack the Ripper. Poe tells Past Wendy and Past Wendy decides to exorcise the spirit herself.

The babalao and Not-Eva give Killian a potion that will kill him and end the curse. Suuuuure....

I’m not sure why he trusts these people. Eva was brainwashing him, after all. And the botanica’s name includes the word “infierno.” That’s usually a clue. 

Past Wendy confronts Possessed Freya, but the evil spirit kills her.

Past Ingrid finds Past Wendy’s dead body. She goes to find Past Joanna who is lost in an opium haze. Past Joanna says that she can’t help, but she knows someone who can. A mysterious man brings them a box that will rip the spirit out of the hose and send it back to Hell. It works, but it will kill Possessed Freya. Past Ingrid knows that she will die too, but she thinks that they don’t have a choice.

It’s a very cool scene, but a bit incongruous. Last episode Joanna was completely distraught by the deaths of the girls, but in this episode, Past Joanna is planning to murder them. It’s all very strange.

Back at Fairheaven, Mystery Girl snoops around the house while Dash sleeps. She finds the weird substance in the fireplace. Dash finds her, but she turns it into a S&M thing where he punishes her for her snooping.

Wow. These FBI agents are really dedicated.

Beauchamps house. Ingrid tells Grandfather that she wants to go back to Asgard. Gramps is very pleased, but he needs to take care of Joanna and company first. He sends Spike to the past to get them.

Mystery Girl sends the substance from Dash’s attic for testing. She thinks it’s the same substance they found on the submerged body.

Ingrid shows up at Fairhaven. She quickly explains to Dash that no, she’s not dead anymore. Blah, blah… Evil Grandfather… need help… blah, blah... have plan to get rid of Evil Grandfather. Dash accepts all her explanations and agrees to help. He forgets to mention that he’s been boinking Mystery Girl. I mean, why ruin the moment, right?

Killian is in a fleabag hotel preparing to drink the potion. He gets a call from Dash but ignores it and drinks the potion.

Killian is so stupid.

Past Ingrid and Past Joanna chant a spell that will lead Possessed Freya to them so they can use the box.

Possessed Freya shows up. Past Joanna uses the box and Past Freya dies.

Then another Joanna shows up and takes the box. Present Joanna says that she’s been carrying that memory for years, not knowing what it meant. They are going to go get the box at midnight and use it to send Grandfather’s spirit to Hell.

This is very cool. Totally awesome. I love the time travel stuff. Its fabulous and it totally explains the abrupt ending to the last episode. Unfortunately, it doesn’t explain the disastrous Eva storyline and why the girls had to die and be brought back. This almost makes up for the epic horror that was Episode 10. Almost.

All pictures belong to Lifetime Television.

Witches of East End Recap - Season 2 - Episode 10

The aftermath.

Freya and Ingrid’s bodies are still hanging from the tree. Joanna and Wendy are crying. Frederick shows up and Wendy tells him to go to hell. Frederick tears up and leaves.

It's all pretty dramatic. I'm intrigued. Are Freya and Ingrid out for the rest of the season? That would be a gutsy move. Or will they be brought back in a couple of episodes? That's more likely, but will be a big disappointment if it happens.

But, moving on.

The Winterhaven attic is all burnt up. The Restoration Hardware couches are goners and Dash and Killian are lying on the ground unconscious. Kilian wakes up and moves a piece of wood with his magic. Then he uses telekinesis to grab a poker.

Credits.

Wendy and Joanna dress the girls in white place them on the kitchen table. They light candles and incense. I like this scene. You can tell that Wendy and Joanna have done this many times. 

Back to the attic. Killian does not kill Dash with the fireplace poker, which is surprising, but much appreciated.

Wendy tries to give Joanna a sedative but Joanna wants to feel the pain. She says that she has to mourn her girls because, even though she expects to give birth to them again, they’ll never be exactly this way again. Wendy tries to come up with magical ways to reverse the girls’ deaths, but Joanna refuses every single one of them. Again, you can tell that they've done this before. Joanna finally takes the sedative.

Killian and Frederick are at the bar drinking shots. Frederick is still pissed at Killian because of what Killian did in Asgard, which apparently made Frederick evil. He punches Killian and says that it’s all his fault. Killian, of course, doesn’t remember squat. A mysteriousl woman watches the whole thing with interest.

Dash realizes that his fight with Killian broke the jar that held Ingrid’s hide-the-body spell. He calls Ingrid’s cell phone and his call goes to voice mail. He throws the spell components in the fire and weird liquid seeps out.

Killian goes to the Beauchamps house to talk with Freya. He finds her dead body and freaks. I’m not sure if he freaks because Freya is dead or because Joanna has two dead bodies on her dining room table.

Joanna slits her wrists in the gorgeous clawed-foot bathtub. I was totally sold on Joanna's grief right until this point. This does not make sense. Cursed people can’t commit suicide.

Killian goes back to his beach shack and starts compulsively listening to Freya’s voice mail greeting and breaking stuff up. However, there’s and African-looking statute that he can’t break.

Wendy finds Joanna and heals her. Apparently, Joanna can commit suicide and, after 400 years, she’s ready to do so. Really? Suicide works? And she never considered it before? This storyline is weird. I would have expected some kind of stoic resignation on the part of these two. After all, they’ve been thorough this many times before. Apparently, these deaths have hit Joanna particularly hard. She really wants to end it all. Wendy, however, doesn’t want to get left behind all alone. She gives Joanna a sedative and holds her while she falls asleep. Aw, I like vulnerable Wendy. It’s sweet.

Dash visits Killian to ask for help with his dead body problem. Killian tells him that Ingrid and Freya are dead. Dash looks shocked, and Killian asks him to leave. After Dash leaves, Killian stares at the creepy statue.

Wendy goes to the bar and gives Drunk Frederick magic Starbucks coffee. He sober ups quickly and Wendy tells him that he had to complete the ritual and bring Grandfather/Odin back to life so he can resurrect the girls.

What?

Oh, this is sooooo lame.

Killian is still staring at the weird statue. He turns it over and there’s a message from Eva that reads, “May you find the way to your true love.” There’s also an address.  It’s, I kid you not, “Barrio Boulevard” in NY.

Oh, lord.

That’s even lamer that the “bring back the girls” thing.

Dash is at the bar. The mysterious woman buys him a drink. Dash tells her to get lost, but she is very insistent. He tells her that a friend of his just died. This just turns her on even more. Apparently, she’s really into post-funeral sex.

Look, I’m just as confused as you are at this point.

They make out in the storeroom-slash-sex-shack. It’s really weird and not at all sexy.

Frederick and Wendy go to an abandoned hospital. Frederick tells Wendy that Bug Guy is gone because his mind is dead. They find that Bug Guy’s body is also gone, and Spike is waiting for them.

Killian goes to the address on the statute. Because he's an idiot, I guess. It turns out to be a botanica. Someone actually seems to be chanting in Yoruba and the god’s names are correct. I’m impressed. The babalao recognizes Killian.

Wendy and Spike don’t get along. “Don’t mistake expediency with respect,” says Wendy. I love her. But I’m still not sure why they want to bring back their grandfather who exiled and cursed them. He hates the girls, doesn’t he? After all, he was the one who cursed them so they would die and come back again. Why would he undo his own curse?

Bug Guy is lying on a bed with the symbol carved on his chest. Wendy asks for a moment alone with him. She cries. She says that she knows that he’s still in there somewhere and that she’s never going to give up. This is weird. She’s just going to pour her father’s spirit into Bug Guy, isn’t she?

I’m so confused.

Dash and Mystery Girl finish making out. Mystery Girl refuses his offer of dinner (aw, Dash, you’re such a gentleman), inputs her number into his phone, and leaves.

Ritual time. Frederick pouts (of course) but lies down next to Bug Guy. Spike chants while using a Tibetan chanting bowl. Seriously. Fire comes out of Frederick’s symbol and enters Bug Guy. 

Bug Guy wakes up, but it’s not Bug Guy. It’s grandfather. He shape shifts into his real form and Wendy looks like she just figured out maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.

Wendy’s slow, isn’t she?

Grandfather magics Spike away, punishing him for killing his granddaughters. Grandfather seems very family oriented. It’s very strange.

Back to the Beauchamps house, where Joanna is commuting with her dead daughters. Grandfather comes in and Joanna freaks out.

Finally, someone reacts logically.

Grandfather explains that he did not want any of them dead and that he is here to bring the family back together. Joanna is skeptical and so am I.

Killan chats with the babalao, who insists on talking Spanish with a hideously strong American accent. Authenticity, thy name is WoEE. Killian tells the babalao that Eva is dead. The babalao seems upset. Um, He's a babalao, shouldn't he already know that Eva is dead?

Grandfather brings the girls back to life. Easy-peasy lemon squeeze.

This is so lame.

Lame. Lame. Lame.

The girls are very confused. So am I.

Blah, blah… trust… blah, blah… new beginning…

Back to Killian. The babalao does a tarot spread (shouldn't these cards be briscas?) and stabs Killians hand to the table. Eva shows up and frees Killian. 

Whoa. Eva? What the...

She heals his hand, using the same “sana” spell that Wendy and Joanna use. This seems to imply that they use the same magic system, which would have been interesting several episodes ago, but, right now, I don’t care. The Tibetan chanting bowl broke me, guys.

No, wait, it’s not Eva. It’s Eva’s granddaughter. You know what? I don’t care about that either. It could be Eva’s right ovary, reconstituted into a fully formed clone. I don’t give a crap.

What the hell is going on? I don’t know and I don’t care at this point.

Frederick and Joanna chat in the kitchen. He says that their Grandfather has changed. What about the curses? What about all the people they had to kill to bring him back? Frederick shrugs up the dead people and asks Joanna to go talk to him. Seriously, mom, who cares if the made you watch your daughters die over and over again? Just get over it.

Why didn't they kill Frederick? Seriously, they killed everyone else. 

Dash wakes up in the destroyed Winterhaven attic. He calls Mystery Girl and arranges a date. Mystery Girl agrees.

But Mystery Girl is also FBI and she’s investigating the carving deaths… and a new body that just resurfaced in the river, covered in a strange tar-like substance.

Joanna rummages in her jewelry box. She gets a key that opens a… time door? She has to go to the past and get something… for some reason. I don't really care. They all go, except Ingrid who stays behind with a very hostile grandfather and Frederick.

I still don't care.

Wendy, Joanna and Freya end up in a dock, in what looks like a Victorianish something or other environment.

The End.

What the…? I don’t… Seriously….

I’m speechless.

This episode was so bad, I don’t even know what to say. Nothing makes sense. Not. One. Thing. I expected the girls to be brought back from the dead, but I didn't expect it to happen right away. That's just dumb. And to help bring the Big Baddie into this dimension because you need him to resurrect people who've died and come back like twenty times before is even more stupid. And why bring Eva (or her clone) back?

It’s impressive. Every single character is acting in a way that makes no sense. This show didn’t just jump the shark, it jumped the Sharknado.

All pictures belong to Lifetime Television.

Witches of East End - Seasons 2 - Episode 9

Mind Blown. Unfortunately, not in a good way.

Witches of East End Recap - Season 2 - Episode 8

This episode should be called “Great Expectations.” A lot of stuff happened on the last episode and I’m curious to see where it goes.

The episode opens up in the forest, where pretty much everything bad happens. Tonight is no exception as Spike and Frederick are out carving symbols into the chests of random guys. 

Witches of East End Recap - Season 2 - Episode 7

Frederick’s bedroom. Yeay! You know, I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to be looking at Frederick’s abs, but instead I’m thinking “nice bed, is it Charles P Rogers?”

Witches of East End Recap, Season 2, Episode 6

Back again! Last week's episode was beyond fabulous, so I'm really expecting this one to disappoint. That's just the way this show goes. Let's see what the crazy minds at WoEE have in store for us.

Witches of East End Recap - Season 2 - Episode 4

The East End forest. Joanna is casting a spell… in English? Yeesh, I was really hoping for some Old Norse. A weird eagle thing appears then vanishes. Joanna looks happy, which makes me wonder if this actually a funeral spell for Victor.

The shadowy thing appears and blows out her candles. Creepy music ensues.

Witches of East End Recap - Season 2 Episode 4

Wendy and Herb Guy are out on a date. They get a little visitor and this is, seriously, the grossest thing if seen in this show to date. Wendy grabs the rodent and does something weird to it. The rat runs away. Wendy and Herb Guy get back to flirting. Ugh.

Witches of East End Recap, Season 2, Episode 3

So many flashbacks, so little time.

The Beauchamps kitchen. Frederick and Joanna chat about Asgard, and it sounds like Asgard has become Viking Detroit. Frederick is happy to be out of there and he regrets betraying his family. Joanna seems happy about that.

Okey Dokey.

Flashback time. The girls and Victor and in a dark forest. Victor has serious mustache action and the girls are wearing Grecian-style dresses. Joanna has the portal key and they are trying to escape Asgard. Frederick arrives. Joanna gives him the key and he throws it back to Asgard.

I guess that’s the big betrayal. A bit underwhelming if you ask me.

Anyways, back in East End, Dash and “ghost” Killian find the blackmailer. “Ghost” Killian tells Dash that “he knows what he has to do.” Ominous music. Dum, dum, dum.

I really like “ghost” Killian. He’s badass.

Chez Beauchamps. Joanna goes to the dining room, where Wendy is rummaging through their magical supplies. Wendy opens up a bottle and a weird cloud oozes out. Wendy says that this will tell them what Frederick has been up to. A shadow crosses the hallway and heads for the kitchen. They follow it. In the kitchen, the shadow turns into Frederick.  They watch as he grabs a kitchen knife and puts it in his coat.

“This isn’t good,” Wendy says.  I hear you Wendy. This is actually a pretty cool spell. This show is really good at doing cool, unexpected things with magic. It’s one of its strengths.

Freya arrives at the Dominican Republic. She goes to the hotel and finds Killian’s room. Owl Girl opens the door. Killian tells Freya than Owl Girl (her name is actually Eva) is his wife. Freya does not look happy.

Cut to commercial.

Killian, Eva and Freya go to a bar, and Killian tells Freya his story. Freya tells him that she didn’t go through with the wedding. Killian is unfazed and Freya gets depressed. She also tells him that Penelope is dead and that he should return to East End. Eva agrees wholeheartedly which seems very suspicious. Girl, you live in a hotel by the beach and have successfully ensorcelled a good looking warlock who’s good at fleecing people out of ginormous piles of money, why do you want to go to Long Island?

Wendy and Joanna follow shadow-Frederick through the forest. We get another flashback to their escape from Asgard. Yawn.

Dash walks down a street at night. He uses his powers to blow up a really cute Trans-Am. I guess he doesn’t like the eighties. Oh no, wait, the car belongs to the blackmailer. He calls the black mailer and tells him that if he ever contacts him again, he’ll do worse.

Wendy and Joanna follow shadow-Frederick through the forest. The shadow leads them to the real Frederick. They watch as he kills a pigeon and drains its blood. He chants something and Joanna says it’s Old Norse.

Finally! An Asgardian who doesn’t chant in Latin. I call this progress.

Eva and Freya have a chat. They both lie shamelessly. Eva is overjoyed to meet her husband’s good friend, Freya. Freya is so happy for Killian. Everyone smiles really fake smiles with lots of teeth. Killian sits there looking like an idiot.

I miss "ghost" Killian. Real Killian is kind of boring.

And speaking of “ghost” Killian, let’s head back to East End. Dash and Ingrid have a chat in Stonehaven. Ingrid tells Dash that she thinks the attacks were done by “someone like us.”

Um, what?

But we don’t get an explanation. Dash gets a text from the blackmailer who is upstairs in the attic. He leaves Ingrid downstairs and goes to confront the blackmailer. Mr. Blackmailer is pissed about his barbecued Trans-Am and he asks for money again. Ingrid arrives and the blackmailer tries to shoot her. Dash attacks him with his lighting-powers and kills him.

Ingrid is horrified... no, wait, she's not. She totally understands that Dash had to kill this guy and tells Mr. Lightning that he’s a warlock and offers to train him.

Come again? Ingrid will train Dash? Talk about the blind leading the blind. Why are you doing this, Ingrid? It makes no sense. I’m not following this storyline at all. How does she know about his powers? And why is she offering to train him?

Anyways, she helps Dash dispose of the blackmailer’s body.

Seriously, she totally does. Because, hey, it’s the neighborly thing to do. I hope they remember to break into the guy's house and crash his hard drive, otherwise the police will know he was blackmailing Dash and Dr. Gardiner will be murder suspect numero uno. Maybe Ingrid has a spell for that?

Back to Casa Beauchamps. Wendy and Joanna confront Frederick. He tells then that he’s not the killer. He shows them the symbol in his chest and tells them that his grandfather tortured and branded him. He says that grandfather probably sent hunters after him, and the hunters must be the ones doing the killing. Wendy is skeptical but Joanna buys it.

Me? I’m hoping for Valkyries. Tentacled Valkyries. With vampire powers. Because that would be awesome!

Another flashback. The grandfather (Odin, I guess?) crosses the portal and curses them. He turns to leave, but Joanna steals the key (very cool!) and seals the portal behind him and Frederick.

Bonding moment between Joanna and Frederick in the kitchen. Victor arrives and feels the weird presence. He walks around the porch trying to figure out what it is. Fade to black.

Ingrid uses magic to hide the body. Dash seems pretty grateful, which is not surprising. I guess this hiding the body stuff really brings people together. I’m not following this storyline at all. Is Dash Ingrid’s new romantic interest? Given Ingrid’s horrible taste in men, I wouldn’t be surprised.

Freya and Killian have a chat. Are they in the Beauchamps backyard? This doesn’t look like the Dominican Republic anymore. Killian tells Freya that, with Eva, he finally feels that he’s found the right person. Freya does some more lying and tells him that she’s happy for him.

Now Freya goes to Ingrid’s room, which is empty. Ingrid walks in and they have a sisterly talk. Many tears are shed. Ingrid fails to mention that Dash has powers. Or that she just disposed of a dead body. Or that there’s a big book that chronicles their family’s history. Or that she’s having naughty tentacled sex.

Seriously, I know Ingrid is supposed to be the quiet, introverted one, but this is ridiculous.

Dash is back at Stonehaven practicing his powers. He hears piano music and goes to the living room. Killian is playing. Dash thinks it’s “ghost” Killian and starts shouting. Oops. It’s real Killian. Dash looks surprised but pleased. Killian hugs him.

Um, dude, he tried to kill you. What are you doing?

It’s dungeon time. Victor is being tortured. End of episode.

I’m thoroughly confused. Why is Ingrid helping Dash? Does Killian have amnesia? Why does Eva help Killian return to East End? What is going on? 

I hope next episode brings some clarity. Overall, this was very unsatisfying.

All pictures belong to Lifetime Television.

Witches of East End Recap, Season 2, Episode 2

Beware of Witches bearing pie... and wine.

So, what’s life like after tentacle sex, you ask? Let’s find out.

Ingrid did not come home last night. Total shocker!

Joanna and Freya go outside to look for her. The find her unconscious in the yard. She’s fully clothed so this is actually a different day.

Dash is trying to use his powers. It doesn’t work. Killian’s “ghost” appears and taunts him. The blackmailer calls and asks for money. Dash blows up a table with his powers. Apparently, his powers only kick in when he’s stressed or emotional. Goody.

Ingrid wakes up.  She’s really hungry. So maybe Tentacle Guy is a type of vampire? Interesting. They head to the kitchen to feed Ingrid and there’s a great shot of the room. There’s a very pretty vine sculpture on the ceiling, and it’s very cool. 

Joanna starts to go into backstory. Ugh, more backstory.  What is it with this show and backstory?

But Aunt Wendy comes to the rescue! She interrupts the backstory (Yeay, Wendy!) and tells the girls that they have a brother and he’s upstairs. Frederick appears looking pouty. Turns out Frederick and Freya are twins. 

Wendy and Joanna talk in the yard. Blah, blah, blah… Frederick can’t be trusted… blah, blah, blah. Joanna says that Frederick was brainwashed. Wendy is skeptical.

They go back to the kitchen where Frederick is bonding with the girls. More backstory. I lose interest and start looking at the moldings. The kitchen is a lot more detailed and I love it.

On to the Caribbean. Killian and Owl Girl chat. They kiss.

Aunt Wendy’s bedroom. We see Wendy take off an earring and leave it on her dressing table.

Frederick steals the earring and… swallows it? Yuck. He chants a spell and then regurgitates the earring, which is now glowing eerily. This spell is actually grosser than Victor’s eels. Ugh. But it’s not in Latin so that’s something.

Wendy walks through a yard in cat form. Oh, it’s Herb Guy’s yard. Herb Guy pets her and goes back inside his house. She peeks in the window. Ooops, looks like herb guy has a wife and a daughter. The cat’s face is brilliant. Excellent CGI effect, they capture Madchen Amick’s expression exactly.

Ingrid goes to work. Her boss (whose name I can’t remember, Dr. Something?) is already there. He was basically forced to hire her and thinks she’s incompetent. Ingrid is not pleased. Um, didn’t she do a spell to get this job? Why is she getting all huffy now?

Dash leaves his home with a bag full of cash. Killian’s “ghost” taunts him about the blackmailer. Joanna and Wendy drop by with a pie and a bottle of wine. They want to apologize for the botched wedding and Penelope’s death. Um, seriously? They killed his mom and they think pie will make it better? Oh, Dash thinks his mother committed suicide. Well, I’m sure that’s going to make a difference.

Nope, it doesn’t. He doesn’t accept their apology or the pie. I’m shocked. Shocked, I tell you.

Back to the Caribbean. Killian is playing cards with some locals. One of them gets angry and asks for his money back. The situation triggers Killian’s powers and the gambler suffers a weird seizure. Or maybe it’s the owl magic? It’s not clear. Anyway, lots of screaming and writhing. Killian looks confused.

Moving, on. We’re now at the East End Fourth of July picnic. Freya brings the Chardonnay (of course she does!) and Frederick uses his magic to open it up. The girls tell him that they don’t do magic in public and Frederick looks confused. Freya asks Frederick if he can teach her a spell that can find a person.  Frederick says he can.

Back at the library, Ingrid finds a book about her family. Wow, someone wrote a three-inch thick tome about the super-secret Nordic witch clan, how convenient. It even has pictures. She recognizes her mother and sister, but doesn’t recognize a figured labeled as “The Gatherer.”

Killian tells Owl Girl about what happened. Owl Girl tells him that he’s a brujo. She volunteers to do a santería spell to help him figure it out. Her grandma was a santera so she totes knows all about magic.

Oh, this is going to end well.

Fredrick and Freya do the spell. They astrally project to the hotel, which seems to be in the Dominican Republic. It’s called Hotel Corazón, which sounds like a good name for a whorehouse. They are attacked by an owl and reappear back at the house. Freya decides to go look for Killian.

I just realized that Killian’s sailboat drifted from Long Island to the Dominican Republic while he was unconscious. And he survived.  What?

Seriously, my parents sailed from Miami to San Juan once and it took three weeks. Did Killian spend six weeks unconscious aboard a drifting boat? For real? Also, doesn’t the North Atlantic Current go northwards? Shouldn’t he have ended up in Greenland or Norway? I guess he could have hit the Gulf Stream, but that would have sent him to Africa. I wonder if they’ll bother explaining this. Maybe Owl Girl magicked him toward the Caribbean? That would make some sense.

At the bar, Freya looks for a plane ticket while Frederick flirts with a bar patron. He makes origami swans, and now I’m wondering where in Asgard he learned to make origami. Anyway, Frederick leaves to go back to the picnic and Freya warns him not to do any magic. Stick to origami, Frederick.

At the library, Ingrid and her boss fight over the book. Ingrid uses magic to keep the book.

Back at the picnic, Frederick gives Wendy her earring back and leaves. Herb Guy shows up. He tells Wendy that he’s separated and introduces her to his daughter. Wendy smiles.

Dash arrives at the picnic. He leaves the bag full of cash under a bench.

Wendy brings Joanna a snow cone.  She feels a weird wind. Joanna looks at her strangely.

Ingrid’s boss arrives at the picnic. A weird shadow grabs him. Boy, I’m glad I didn’t bother to learn his name. Sounds like he’s a goner.

Back in the Dominican Republic, Killian and Owl Girl are doing a Santeria spell, which is, thankfully, not in Latin. Killian’s powers wake up. Owl Girl tells him that she has powers too and that’s why are meant to be together. They kiss and sexytimes ensue.

Back at the bar, a drunk patron attacks Freya for no reason. Frederick leaps to her defense, grabbing the guy around the neck. His eyes turn red and he seems to be strangling the guy.

Ingrid goes to the picnic. Dash grabs her and asks her about her brain abnormalities. They are interrupted by Ingrid’s boss who emerges from the woods covered in blood and screaming incoherently. He tears his shirt to reveal the weird symbol carved into his chest.

Herb Guy tells Wendy about the weird attacks. She asks about the carvings and the rantings. Hmm, that should be the name of the East End body piercing shop, Carvings and Rantings. Herb Guy tells her that he’s willing to give her the scoop over drinks.

Wow, creepiest date request ever. Hey, how about I give you inside info on the local serial killer while I try to get into your pants? Good thing Wendy’s not picky.

Joanna goes to the bar. Frederick and Freya tell her about the incident. Frederick says that he’s spent centuries fighting for his life and that means he lashes out automatically. So, he’s a traitor with anger management problems? Seems like a lot of baggage to pile on a character.

But we’re back at the house. There’s a storm outside, and Ingrid announced that she’s moving out. The sleepwalking/tentacle sex has made her realize that she needs to grow up and get her own place.

Not suspicious at all.

Freya gets a plane ticket to the Dominican Republic. Freya and Ingrid make magical fireworks. Wendy tells Joanna that she thinks that Frederick is behind the attacks. Joanna looks distraught.

Dash is in the Winterhaven attic looking through his MRI results. The blackmailer calls him. He asks for more money. Dash gets angry and breaks his computer with magic. Killian’s “ghost” comes back.

Is it me or is "ghost" Killian more interesting than real Killian at this point? I like "ghost" Killian.

End of episode.

This was a good episode. They’ve cut down on the backstory, which is great. The Killian storyline is a bit weird, though, and I’m not sure how he got to the Dominican Republic. The Santeria stuff is also confusing. Santeria doesn’t have owls and it works through spirit possession. Also, there should have been a dead chicken in there somewhere.

So far, there’s no breakthrough character this season. I’m getting bored with Frederick, all he seems to do is pout. Owl Girl is promising, but she’s no Penelope. However, I have high hopes for Tentacle Guy. 

Still, all in all, a good episode. I'm looking forward to the next one.

All pictures belong to Lifetime Television.

Witches of East End Recap - Season 2 Episode 1

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The new season starts… with a bit of whimper, and a whole lot of creepy crawlies.

Aunt Wendy (in her cat form) is hunting in the woods.  Something mysterious seems to be going on. Yawn.

Freya is in the kitchen making a potion.

Joanna is tied to the bed. At first it looks like sexy bondage play (Victor, you naughty boy. I didn’t think you had it in you.), but the knives come out. It looks like Victor is trying to draw out the argentum poison.

Ingrid is sleepwalking. She leaves the house and goes into the forest.

Back to Joanna’s bedroom, where Victor is having fun with leeches. Ugh.

Kitchen scene. Freya and Ingrid talk about Killian. I pay no attention to the conversation and check out the kitchen. I love this kitchen. Are those pendants new?

Aunt Wendy walks in and provides some backstory. The witches can’t remember what happened after the portal opened. Wendy thinks someone crossed over and erased their memories. Freya is working on a memory potion.

I’m underwhelmed. Are we going to go through another season of ‘we don’t know who our enemy is?’ That does not sound good.

The scenery, however, is very good. I really like this kitchen. I wonder if the pot-filler is new too. I don’t remember it from last season.

Dash is in an attic trying out his power. Killian’s ghost appears and taunts him. Yeay! I’m happy Killian’s back, even if only in ghost form.  And, whoa, Dash is really going nuts, isn’t he? I guess he’s Evil Dash now. He seems too be pretty powerful. Good, I hope he brings his mom back from the dead. I love Penelope.

The witches sit around the kitchen table and pour out the memory potion, Very cool third eye special effect. Too bad the potion is, like all of their spells, pretty much useless. They see someone coming out of the portal, but, of course, they don’t see a face.

“Well, that kind of sucks,” Aunt Wendy says. I agree.

There’s a naked hottie in the woods! Yeay! Well, half-naked, anyway. Apparently, Asgardian portals vaporize your clothes, but leave your cloak intact. Very handy. The hottie has a weird brand on his chest.

Oh, crap. Another mysterious evil symbol? I’m getting déjà vu. Is it the same one Penelope used last season? I’m too lazy to look it up, but that seems likely.

More déjà vu. An attack victim shows up at the hospital. The weird symbol has been carved into his chest. Evil Dash seems intrigued by the symbol. Awesome. Embrace your destiny, Evil Dash. Bring Penelope back and make me happy.

Freya has a Killian vision. She sees him lying on the floor with a bloody wound. Dum, dum, dum.

Back at the library, Ingrid is going to try out for a new job. Unfortunately, the position requires a doctorate and she hasn’t finished her PhD dissertation. So, she lied. She calls this ‘being adventurous’ and talks about how ‘fortune favors the bold.’ I’m calling this fraud.

People, don’t lie about your academic credentials. You WILL get caught. All it takes is a phone call.

Nice shot of Joanna’s bedroom. I love the macramé potholder. Joanna starts bleeding. Victor’s Magical Healing Leeches don’t seem to be working.

Freya tells Wendy about her vision.  Wendy ‘s at the library and tells her she’ll return to the house as soon as she finds an herb book she’s looking for. A mysterious guy fights her for the book. This is more déjà vu. Wasn’t this the Crazy Mike plot line from last season?

Back in the hospital, Dash is giving himself an MRI. Killian’s spirit taunts him some more.

Backyard picnic. Wendy turns dandelion seeds into fireflies. That’s pretty cute. Joanna faints.

Victor explains to Wendy that Joanna’s condition is deteriorating. He tells Wendy that he’s going to the Amazon to find a rare plant that can heal Joanna.

Ingrid goes to her job interview and it does not go well.

The half-naked hottie is still in the forest. He mutters a spell.

Back in the hospital, the attack victim wakes up and starts shouting incoherent warnings. Dash tries to calm him down. The guy stares at him in horror, screams ‘I know what you are’ and goes into cardiac arrest. Dash’s descent into villainy is pretty exciting. I’m still waiting for the Penelope apparition though. Don’t disappoint me Lifetime!

Ingrid goes to Freya’s bar to drown her sorrows with her library friends. Freya tries to convince her to do a spell. We go to commercial break. When we come back the girls are very drunk. Wendy arrives and takes Freya away. Ingrid gets a phone call. She’s got the job. She starts dancing on a chair and falls down.

Wendy does a tarot spread for Freya. They find Killian. He’s still alive, but is being protected by an owl? Seriously? Owl tarot? Never heard of that.

The bartender calls Freya back to the bar. Ingrid dislocated her shoulder. The EMT is the guy who stole Wendy’s book in the library. He calls Wendy ‘ma’am’ and Wendy does not take it well. I’m with you, Wendy. Wendy heals Ingrid’s shoulder.

EMT guy seems to be Wendy's new love interest. Nooooo. Bring Bug Guy back. I loved Bug Guy.

Dash comes into the bar looking very villainous. He gets a call from the doctor looking at his MRI. She says the scan has “gross structural abnormalities.” She also says that she did a historical search (Seriously, why would she do that?) and found an MRI scan with similar abnormalities from 1994. Um, guys? You’re seriously failing on the believability scale here. Witches? OK. Asgardian gods? Why not? Poison sucking leeches? Bring it. But digital medical records in 1994 in a podunk Long Island town? No. Freaking. Way.

Anyway, the little girl with the weird cerebellum? The doctor identifies her as Ingrid Beauchamp.

Back at the house, Joanna is giving away her possessions. Wendy gets pissed and tells her that she can’t give up. Touching bonding moment. Tears.

There’s a knock at the door. It’s the mysterious cloaked hottie. Joanna stares at him in disbelief. It’s her long-lost son, Frederick.

Wendy and Joanna have a little chat with Frederick. Apparently, Asgard is total chaos and he’s been trying to escape for hundreds of years. Wendy pulls Joanna away and tells her that Frederick betrayed them once and cannot be trusted. Fredericks interrupts. He asks Joanna if she’s sick. When she says yes, he lays hands on her and heals her.

Frederick explains that he’s spent the past couple of years building an immunity to the argentums poison. Whoa! Bonus points for the Princess Bride easter egg, Lifetime. Wendy looks mighty suspicious. I’m with you Wendy.

Freya asks Dash about Killian. Dash does not react well.

Dash gets an email from a blackmailer. Someone taped Killian’s murder and made a gif. Seriously. A freaking gif, people. The gif creator is now blackmailing Dash.

 Blackmailed with a gif. Talk about adding insult to injury. Tumblr has a lot to answer for.

And we’re off to the Caribbean, where Killian throws a bunch of money on a hotel bed. A girl knocks on the door. Killian thanks her for saving his life. She tells him that he can go home now, but he says he has nothing to go back to. They kiss, and the camera focuses on the girl’s back. She’s wearing a cutoff camisole and has an owl tattoo on her back.

Ingrid is sleepwalking in the woods. A greenish creature  appears. They embrace. The monster grows tentacles and caresses Ingrid with them.

Yep, Lifetime went all in. Tentacle sex in prime cable.

All in all, a good first episode. A little repetitive but good. I’m glad Killian’s back, but I really, really hope they bring back Penelope. Virginia Madsen is badass.

All pictures belong to Lifetime Television.

Witches of East End Recap - Season 1 Episode 10

So, Witches of East End returns for a second season. That’s exciting news. I’ve missed that house. *sniff*

But that means I should finish my Season 1 recaps. And it’s been a couple of months, so I should have recovered from the trauma inflicted by the season finale, right?

Right?

I mean six months should be enough to forget the fact that they killed off (spoiler alert!) my three favorite characters, right? After all, I’m a mature, rational human being. I can’t still be sore because they offed Virginia Madsen.

Let’s see.

The first half of the episode is a series of vignettes where people find out stuff that they should have found out a loooooong time ago. And they do stupid thing they really shouldn’t do because, reasons. Asgardians, as we The Mighty Thor fans figured out long ago, aren’t too strong on the IQ front.

Anywho, the episode opens with out star-crossed lovers, Killian and Freya. Killian tries to convince Freya to dump his brother and sail off into the sunset with him. Freya, however, insists on marrying Dash. Killian tells her that Dash will destroy her.

Foreshadowing, people.

Aunt Wendy turns into a cat and investigates the catacombs under Fairhaven. She finds out that someone is trying to open the portal to Asgard. She runs back home and tell Joanna. They can’t figure out who this person could be.

Er, maybe the lady who’s spent bucketloads of money restoring the house? Maybe?

Nah.

Said lady boils some stuff in a cauldron and creates a bat tornado. Not suspicious at all. But Virginia Madsen looks awesome, y’all. Great shot.

Oh, and before that Ingrid shot Mike, the creepy guy that’s looking for the portal to Asgard. Isn’t that weird, that there’s someone looking for the portal to Asgard? She should probably tell someone. Like maybe, during the pre-wedding bonding session between the witches and Victor, the girls’ dad? Or maybe when her dad tells her all about how Asgard is full of evil people who want to kill them? Or maybe when she finds out about the long-lost brother Frederick, who was left behind in Asgard?

Oh, I guess not. No need to band together to stop this crazy guy or anything. I mean, we have a wedding to plan. Priorities, people.

Blah, blah, blah wedding. Penelope stomps around looking menacing. The girls try a couple of protection spells (spoiler: they don’t work). Crazy Mike picks up a gun and crashes the wedding.

At this point, I’m Team Crazy Mike. At least he has a plan. And it makes sense.

This is when Victor tells Freya that he knew her during one of her prior lives, when, you know, she was madly in love with this guy who was the spitting image of Killian. And so maybe Killian is her reincarnated love.

Yeah, he brings it up right before her wedding. Way to go, dad.

Joanna finally figures out the Penelope is the shifter. Duh. She tells Wendy, who is wearing a large pair of very conspicuous dark sunglasses. Does Joanna notice the ominous eyewear?

Nah.

They head to the catacombs and Wendy/Penelope zaps Joanna with a magic ray.  Penelope straps Joanna to a table and starts to monologue, Blah, blah, blah… Athena… blah, blah, blah… revenge. Turns out Killian and Dash do have magic powers but Penelope stole them when they were young. That’s pretty interesting. I’m a little apprehensive about the monologue, though. Is Penelope going to fall into the classic villain mistake?

Nope, she stabs Joanna with a tube full of poison. Go, Penelope!

Freya listens to an old record. She looks kind of sad and thoughtful.

Killian’s in his boat preparing to sail away.

Freya breaks up with Dash. Finally! Dash does not take it well.

Crazy Mike crashes the wedding party, pulls out a gun, and orders Ingrid to take him to the portal. Go, Crazy Mike. You know, I like the villains in this show. They’re so logical and effective. I’m totally Team Villain right now.

Penelope steals Joanna’s immortality. Mike orders Ingrid to open the portal, but she doesn’t know how. He shoots Ingrid and her blood opens the portal. See what I said about logical and effective villains?

Wendy finds Joanna. Big fight between Wendy and Penelope. I’m a little scared because Wendy is on her last life and, hey, I love Aunt Wendy. But no need to worry, Wendy throws Penelope into a fiery furnace. Bye, bye, Penelope.

I’m totally bummed out. This looks like a pretty permanent kind of death, but it can’t be, right? She’s an awesome villain and she has Joanna’s immortality now. She can come back, right?

Killian and Dash recover their powers.

Oh, crap. I guess Penelope is really dead. Oh, well, I still have crazy Mike.

Dash hits Killian, puts him on his boat, and lets the boat float away. Oh bugger, Killian’s dead too? What is this? Kill all the interesting characters week?

Oh, well, there’s always Crazy Mike.

Wendy unties Joanna and they run to rescue Ingrid. The portal to Asgard opens and Crazy Mike is incinerated.

Aaaaaand, I’ve lost Crazy Mike. Unbelievable.

The witches stare at the portal and we fade to black. That’s it. That’s the season finale.

I’m really bummed out at this point. All I have left is Aunt Wendy and the fabulous house at this point. At least they gave me a close-up shot of the awesome kitchen tile as a consolation prize.

Really, how awesome does that look? I think it's either Calacatta marble or Grecian White. I also love the taupe beadboard on top. Awesome.

And now, back to bummerland. I can’t believe they killed off Killian and left me with Victor and Dash. Bummer. Frederick Beauchamps better be a real hottie, or next season is going to suck.

Anyway, on to next season.

All pictures belong to Lifetime Television.

Link Fiesta

How not to write and sell a paranormal romance novel. Very funny post.

Seven free stock photo libraries.

Joanna Beauchamps is on trend. Apparently, there really is a macramé revival.

Tessa Dare spent the night in a haunted castle.

Witches of East End Recap - Episode 9

Fabulous opening scene. The Beauchamp women cast a spell on the beach. They are all in white gowns. They chant in Latin and use magic to bounce a burning branch from witch to witch. The branch reaches Freya, she tries to keep it aloft, but fails.

Lighting flashes. We see Penelope watching the beach ceremony on a scrying bowl. She smiles maliciously.

Credits roll.