Friday, July 25, 2014

Witches of East End Recap, Season 2, Episode 3

So many flashbacks, so little time.

The Beauchamps kitchen. Frederick and Joanna chat about Asgard, and it sounds like Asgard has become Viking Detroit. Frederick is happy to be out of there and he regrets betraying his family. Joanna seems happy about that.

Okey Dokey.

Flashback time. The girls and Victor and in a dark forest. Victor has serious mustache action and the girls are wearing Grecian-style dresses. Joanna has the portal key and they are trying to escape Asgard. Frederick arrives. Joanna gives him the key and he throws it back to Asgard.

I guess that’s the big betrayal. A bit underwhelming if you ask me.

Anyways, back in East End, Dash and “ghost” Killian find the blackmailer. “Ghost” Killian tells Dash that “he knows what he has to do.” Ominous music. Dum, dum, dum.

I really like “ghost” Killian. He’s badass.

Chez Beauchamps. Joanna goes to the dining room, where Wendy is rummaging through their magical supplies. Wendy opens up a bottle and a weird cloud oozes out. Wendy says that this will tell them what Frederick has been up to. A shadow crosses the hallway and heads for the kitchen. They follow it. In the kitchen, the shadow turns into Frederick.  They watch as he grabs a kitchen knife and puts it in his coat.

“This isn’t good,” Wendy says.  I hear you Wendy. This is actually a pretty cool spell. This show is really good at doing cool, unexpected things with magic. It’s one of its strengths.

Freya arrives at the Dominican Republic. She goes to the hotel and finds Killian’s room. Owl Girl opens the door. Killian tells Freya than Owl Girl (her name is actually Eva) is his wife. Freya does not look happy.

Cut to commercial.

Killian, Eva and Freya go to a bar, and Killian tells Freya his story. Freya tells him that she didn’t go through with the wedding. Killian is unfazed and Freya gets depressed. She also tells him that Penelope is dead and that he should return to East End. Eva agrees wholeheartedly which seems very suspicious. Girl, you live in a hotel by the beach and have successfully ensorcelled a good looking warlock who’s good at fleecing people out of ginormous piles of money, why do you want to go to Long Island?

Wendy and Joanna follow shadow-Frederick through the forest. We get another flashback to their escape from Asgard. Yawn.

Dash walks down a street at night. He uses his powers to blow up a really cute Trans-Am. I guess he doesn’t like the eighties. Oh no, wait, the car belongs to the blackmailer. He calls the black mailer and tells him that if he ever contacts him again, he’ll do worse.

Wendy and Joanna follow shadow-Frederick through the forest. The shadow leads them to the real Frederick. They watch as he kills a pigeon and drains its blood. He chants something and Joanna says it’s Old Norse.

Finally! An Asgardian who doesn’t chant in Latin. I call this progress.

Eva and Freya have a chat. They both lie shamelessly. Eva is overjoyed to meet her husband’s good friend, Freya. Freya is so happy for Killian. Everyone smiles really fake smiles with lots of teeth. Killian sits there looking like an idiot.

I miss "ghost" Killian. Real Killian is kind of boring.

And speaking of “ghost” Killian, let’s head back to East End. Dash and Ingrid have a chat in Stonehaven. Ingrid tells Dash that she thinks the attacks were done by “someone like us.”

Um, what?

But we don’t get an explanation. Dash gets a text from the blackmailer who is upstairs in the attic. He leaves Ingrid downstairs and goes to confront the blackmailer. Mr. Blackmailer is pissed about his barbecued Trans-Am and he asks for money again. Ingrid arrives and the blackmailer tries to shoot her. Dash attacks him with his lighting-powers and kills him.

Ingrid is horrified... no, wait, she's not. She totally understands that Dash had to kill this guy and tells Mr. Lightning that he’s a warlock and offers to train him.

Come again? Ingrid will train Dash? Talk about the blind leading the blind. Why are you doing this, Ingrid? It makes no sense. I’m not following this storyline at all. How does she know about his powers? And why is she offering to train him?

Anyways, she helps Dash dispose of the blackmailer’s body.

Seriously, she totally does. Because, hey, it’s the neighborly thing to do. I hope they remember to break into the guy's house and crash his hard drive, otherwise the police will know he was blackmailing Dash and Dr. Gardiner will be murder suspect numero uno. Maybe Ingrid has a spell for that?

Back to Casa Beauchamps. Wendy and Joanna confront Frederick. He tells then that he’s not the killer. He shows them the symbol in his chest and tells them that his grandfather tortured and branded him. He says that grandfather probably sent hunters after him, and the hunters must be the ones doing the killing. Wendy is skeptical but Joanna buys it.

Me? I’m hoping for Valkyries. Tentacled Valkyries. With vampire powers. Because that would be awesome!

Another flashback. The grandfather (Odin, I guess?) crosses the portal and curses them. He turns to leave, but Joanna steals the key (very cool!) and seals the portal behind him and Frederick.
Bonding moment between Joanna and Frederick in the kitchen. Victor arrives and feels the weird presence. He walks around the porch trying to figure out what it is. Fade to black.

Ingrid uses magic to hide the body. Dash seems pretty grateful, which is not surprising. I guess this hiding the body stuff really brings people together. I’m not following this storyline at all. Is Dash Ingrid’s new romantic interest? Given Ingrid’s horrible taste in men, I wouldn’t be surprised.

Freya and Killian have a chat. Are they in the Beauchamps backyard? This doesn’t look like the Dominican Republic anymore. Killian tells Freya that, with Eva, he finally feels that he’s found the right person. Freya does some more lying and tells him that she’s happy for him.

Now Freya goes to Ingrid’s room, which is empty. Ingrid walks in and they have a sisterly talk. Many tears are shed. Ingrid fails to mention that Dash has powers. Or that she just disposed of a dead body. Or that there’s a big book that chronicles their family’s history. Or that she’s having naughty tentacled sex.

Seriously, I know Ingrid is supposed to be the quiet, introverted one, but this is ridiculous.

Dash is back at Stonehaven practicing his powers. He hears piano music and goes to the living room. Killian is playing. Dash thinks it’s “ghost” Killian and starts shouting. Oops. It’s real Killian. Dash looks surprised but pleased. Killian hugs him.

Um, dude, he tried to kill you. What are you doing?

It’s dungeon time. Victor is being tortured. End of episode.

I’m thoroughly confused. Why is Ingrid helping Dash? Does Killian have amnesia? Why does Eva help Killian return to East End? What is going on? 

I hope next episode brings some clarity. Overall, this was very unsatisfying.

All pictures belong to Lifetime Television.