Twin Peaks: The Return, Episodes 1 and 2

So confused.

I totally fangirled when the theme came on. I was afraid they'd use new music, but, no they kept the old theme and Laura's pic and it was perfect. They even had the log lady on. *sniff*

Then we got flannel shirts and pick-up trucks and pine trees and I was nodding along like, yes. But then we switched to Manhattan, and there was a glass cage and a creepy guy who likes lattes and a pretty girl and was all "don't trust him, Tracy, he drinks lattes."

Never trust a guy who drinks flavored hot milk. Red flag right there.

Then the Chihuahua Lady showed up and there was a gross corpse and a murder mystery, which was confusing because why are we in South Dakota?

Don't get me wrong. I think South Dakota is real creepy, but, you know, where are the pine trees and the cherry pies? And why is Ashley Judd in this show?

Then Evil Agent Cooper shows up with a mullet and a spray tan (is BOB in the spray tan? is that going to be the big reveal?) and a gang, and 'm all, what?

But then there's a coffee reference and everything is okay again. And we go back to Twin Peaks and Hawk is there and Lucy and Andy, and I'm cheering.

Then Evil Agent Cooper starts killing people, and we are in the Red Room with Good Agent Cooper and some craptastic special effects (the arm is a tree now? and it has an evil twin brother too?) and Laura shows up and then she takes her face off...

It's all very cool, visually speaking, but I'm not sure where we're headed with all of this.

I don't really care about any of the new characters. They all keep dying just as I start getting attached (alas, Phyllis, I hardly knew ya). The music is fantastic, but there's not enough of it. I love the suspense and the creepy visuals but at this point I don't really care about any of these new people.

Latte Boy and Latte Girl bought it, and I was all, yep that's what happens to latte drinkers I warned ya. Only black coffee drinkers make it in Lynchlandia.

I'm on the fence about this one, I admit.

I guess there will be an Evil Agent Cooper vs. Good Agent Cooper showdown at the end, but I'm not feeling too emotionally invested in it. And there doesn't really seem to be a mystery. We know BOB is now Evil Agent Cooper and we know he's causing all the deaths, so...where's the beef, Mr. Lynch? Is there going to be a big twist in the future? Laura got sucked out of the Red Room, so is she going to show up in the "real" world killing people now? I could go for that.

I dunno. We'll see how this goes.