The new season starts… with a bit of whimper, and a whole lot of creepy crawlies.
Aunt Wendy (in her cat form) is hunting in the woods. Something mysterious seems to be going on. Yawn.
Freya is in the kitchen making a potion.
Joanna is tied to the bed. At first it looks like sexy bondage play (Victor, you naughty boy. I didn’t think you had it in you.), but the knives come out. It looks like Victor is trying to draw out the argentum poison.
Ingrid is sleepwalking. She leaves the house and goes into the forest.
Back to Joanna’s bedroom, where Victor is having fun with leeches. Ugh.
Kitchen scene. Freya and Ingrid talk about Killian. I pay no attention to the conversation and check out the kitchen. I love this kitchen. Are those pendants new?
Aunt Wendy walks in and provides some backstory. The witches can’t remember what happened after the portal opened. Wendy thinks someone crossed over and erased their memories. Freya is working on a memory potion.
I’m underwhelmed. Are we going to go through another season of ‘we don’t know who our enemy is?’ That does not sound good.
The scenery, however, is very good. I really like this kitchen. I wonder if the pot-filler is new too. I don’t remember it from last season.
Dash is in an attic trying out his power. Killian’s ghost appears and taunts him. Yeay! I’m happy Killian’s back, even if only in ghost form. And, whoa, Dash is really going nuts, isn’t he? I guess he’s Evil Dash now. He seems too be pretty powerful. Good, I hope he brings his mom back from the dead. I love Penelope.
The witches sit around the kitchen table and pour out the memory potion, Very cool third eye special effect. Too bad the potion is, like all of their spells, pretty much useless. They see someone coming out of the portal, but, of course, they don’t see a face.
“Well, that kind of sucks,” Aunt Wendy says. I agree.
There’s a naked hottie in the woods! Yeay! Well, half-naked, anyway. Apparently, Asgardian portals vaporize your clothes, but leave your cloak intact. Very handy. The hottie has a weird brand on his chest.
Oh, crap. Another mysterious evil symbol? I’m getting déjà vu. Is it the same one Penelope used last season? I’m too lazy to look it up, but that seems likely.
More déjà vu. An attack victim shows up at the hospital. The weird symbol has been carved into his chest. Evil Dash seems intrigued by the symbol. Awesome. Embrace your destiny, Evil Dash. Bring Penelope back and make me happy.
Freya has a Killian vision. She sees him lying on the floor with a bloody wound. Dum, dum, dum.
Back at the library, Ingrid is going to try out for a new job. Unfortunately, the position requires a doctorate and she hasn’t finished her PhD dissertation. So, she lied. She calls this ‘being adventurous’ and talks about how ‘fortune favors the bold.’ I’m calling this fraud.
People, don’t lie about your academic credentials. You WILL get caught. All it takes is a phone call.
Nice shot of Joanna’s bedroom. I love the macramé potholder. Joanna starts bleeding. Victor’s Magical Healing Leeches don’t seem to be working.
Freya tells Wendy about her vision. Wendy ‘s at the library and tells her she’ll return to the house as soon as she finds an herb book she’s looking for. A mysterious guy fights her for the book. This is more déjà vu. Wasn’t this the Crazy Mike plot line from last season?
Back in the hospital, Dash is giving himself an MRI. Killian’s spirit taunts him some more.
Backyard picnic. Wendy turns dandelion seeds into fireflies. That’s pretty cute. Joanna faints.
Victor explains to Wendy that Joanna’s condition is deteriorating. He tells Wendy that he’s going to the Amazon to find a rare plant that can heal Joanna.
Ingrid goes to her job interview and it does not go well.
The half-naked hottie is still in the forest. He mutters a spell.
Back in the hospital, the attack victim wakes up and starts shouting incoherent warnings. Dash tries to calm him down. The guy stares at him in horror, screams ‘I know what you are’ and goes into cardiac arrest. Dash’s descent into villainy is pretty exciting. I’m still waiting for the Penelope apparition though. Don’t disappoint me Lifetime!
Ingrid goes to Freya’s bar to drown her sorrows with her library friends. Freya tries to convince her to do a spell. We go to commercial break. When we come back the girls are very drunk. Wendy arrives and takes Freya away. Ingrid gets a phone call. She’s got the job. She starts dancing on a chair and falls down.
Wendy does a tarot spread for Freya. They find Killian. He’s still alive, but is being protected by an owl? Seriously? Owl tarot? Never heard of that.
The bartender calls Freya back to the bar. Ingrid dislocated her shoulder. The EMT is the guy who stole Wendy’s book in the library. He calls Wendy ‘ma’am’ and Wendy does not take it well. I’m with you, Wendy. Wendy heals Ingrid’s shoulder.
EMT guy seems to be Wendy's new love interest. Nooooo. Bring Bug Guy back. I loved Bug Guy.
Dash comes into the bar looking very villainous. He gets a call from the doctor looking at his MRI. She says the scan has “gross structural abnormalities.” She also says that she did a historical search (Seriously, why would she do that?) and found an MRI scan with similar abnormalities from 1994. Um, guys? You’re seriously failing on the believability scale here. Witches? OK. Asgardian gods? Why not? Poison sucking leeches? Bring it. But digital medical records in 1994 in a podunk Long Island town? No. Freaking. Way.
Anyway, the little girl with the weird cerebellum? The doctor identifies her as Ingrid Beauchamp.
Back at the house, Joanna is giving away her possessions. Wendy gets pissed and tells her that she can’t give up. Touching bonding moment. Tears.
There’s a knock at the door. It’s the mysterious cloaked hottie. Joanna stares at him in disbelief. It’s her long-lost son, Frederick.
Wendy and Joanna have a little chat with Frederick. Apparently, Asgard is total chaos and he’s been trying to escape for hundreds of years. Wendy pulls Joanna away and tells her that Frederick betrayed them once and cannot be trusted. Fredericks interrupts. He asks Joanna if she’s sick. When she says yes, he lays hands on her and heals her.
Frederick explains that he’s spent the past couple of years building an immunity to the argentums poison. Whoa! Bonus points for the Princess Bride easter egg, Lifetime. Wendy looks mighty suspicious. I’m with you Wendy.
Freya asks Dash about Killian. Dash does not react well.
Dash gets an email from a blackmailer. Someone taped Killian’s murder and made a gif. Seriously. A freaking gif, people. The gif creator is now blackmailing Dash.
Blackmailed with a gif. Talk about adding insult to injury. Tumblr has a lot to answer for.
And we’re off to the Caribbean, where Killian throws a bunch of money on a hotel bed. A girl knocks on the door. Killian thanks her for saving his life. She tells him that he can go home now, but he says he has nothing to go back to. They kiss, and the camera focuses on the girl’s back. She’s wearing a cutoff camisole and has an owl tattoo on her back.
Ingrid is sleepwalking in the woods. A greenish creature appears. They embrace. The monster grows tentacles and caresses Ingrid with them.
Yep, Lifetime went all in. Tentacle sex in prime cable.
All in all, a good first episode. A little repetitive but good. I’m glad Killian’s back, but I really, really hope they bring back Penelope. Virginia Madsen is badass.
All pictures belong to Lifetime Television.
All pictures belong to Lifetime Television.