Thursday, October 2, 2014

Witches of East End - Seasons 2 - Episode 9

Mind Blown. Unfortunately, not in a good way.

Fairhaven Attic. Dash keeps trying to call Ingrid but she’s not answering her phone. He brings down a shelf. A box falls out and he picks up an antique photo of Ingrid. Why are all of Dash's scenes in the attic? Are they making subtle Madman In The Attic reference? Or is Restoration Hardware paying for product placement?

Frederick is trying to complete the ritual with Doomed Carolyn. He can’t do it.

Opening credits.

Spike is torturing Frederick because he did not complete the ritual and Doomed Carolyn is now just plain Carolyn. She’s apparently safe at home. But Spike is okay with that. He tells Frederick that he has someone better in mind.

Beauchamps kitchen. Joanna is making tea and Frederick shows up all beaten up.

Ingrid is in the library. Freya walks in and starts talking abut the fabulous sex she had with Killian last night and how she was going to go off with him and he changed his mind. She tells Ingrid that Eva is a witch and that she’s ensorcelled Killian. Ingrid is skeptical.

Wendy's room. Whoa! Wendy’s room is fantastic. I love the Hindu dome canopy thing. Even her alarm clock is awesome. And did Bug Boy just ask for a threesome with Joanna? Gutsy.

Joanna is in the kitchen making a potion. She's using stuff that looks right out of Anthropologie home goods section. Post-coital Wendy shows up and Joanna tells her that Spike attacked Frederick. Wendy is confused and Joanna and Frederick explain that Spike is the King/Grandfather’s spy. The King/Grandfather is sick and needs a new body. That’s why he’s crossing the portal through the rune carved on Frederick’s chest.

Bug Boy comes down the stairs and leaves the house. He meets Spike in the garden.

Eva and her grandmother/daughter are making a spell. It sounds like she’s asking Eleggua for a child. Um. Eleggua is the Loki of Santeria. He’s an oracle. Shouldn’t she be asking Yemaya? Also, what’s with the runes?

Oh, who cares? I don’t know why I even bother.

At least there’s an egg involved, that seems vaguely fertility related. The egg turns red and Eva starts crying.

Oh, that was a mystical pregnancy test. Okay, the Eleggua thing makes sense now. But, seriously, East End doesn’t have a CVS? 

Anywho, Eva is not pregnant which seems to be a tragedy. Girlfriend can keep a powerful warlock brainwashed for months, but can't do a simple fertility spell. Someone flunked Witchcraft 101.

Joanna is in the dining room rummaging inside her spell box. She brings out… death scorpions. They are specially bred/created to contain a particularly virulent magical poison. Apparently, this is what passes for a craft project at Chez Beauchamps. Oh, this is great. I love bloodthirsty Wendy. She's like a sociopathic Martha Stewart in this scene.

Freya is in Killian’s house snooping. Um, how did she get in? Eva doesn’t have protection wards? Wow, someone definitely flunked Witchcraft 101. Go rent Supernatural on Netflix, Eva. Freya finds the love potion, but gets a text asking her to come back home. Unfortunately, her getaway is foiled. Eva’s daughter/grandmother finds her in the house and does some telekinetic crap that breaks all the decorative fishnet buoys ($19.99 at Marshall's) explode. 

Dash goes to the library and tells Ingrid about the photograph and the other documents. Ingrid's face is priceless.

Back at the Beauchamps kitchen, Joanna has created a weird sand and skull tableaux on the kitchen table. Frederick and Freya are to use it to spell themselves in spirit form to where Spike is. I guess Asgardian drone warfare involves desiccated birds. The kids chant a few words and vamoose.

They’re transported a creepy abandoned hospital. Cool, I was expecting the Forest Where All Bad Things Happen, but this is much better. Spike’s home away from home is called St. Gabriel’s psychiatric hospital, very appropriate.

They hear weird screams and chanting coming from a room. Bug Guy is chained up to a metal contraption (looks like old mattress innards) and Frederick and Freya watch as Spike carves the symbol into Bug Guy’s chest.

Freya realizes that Frederick has been carrying Grandfather’s spirit all this time. She spirits them back to the house and tells Joanna and Wendy. Joanna throws a scorpion at Frederick. It bites him and he’s paralyzed.

But he can still talk. He tells Joanna that Grandfather just wants to talk to her and that she should listen to him.

Huh? Really? All this crap just for a chat? I'm not impressed and neither is Joanna. They leave paralyzed Frederick and go try to save Bug Boy.

Dash takes Ingrid to the Fairhaven attic and shows her the spellbooks. Ingrid surmises that the spells are bad news. The whole “written in human blood” thing was a bit of a clue. She explains the whole rebirth thing and tells Dash that he’s Archibald’s grandson. Then she quickly clarifies that she’s not Dash’s grandmother.

Oh, I love that. That’s hilarious. “Don’t worry, sweetie. We’re not committing grandparental incest.” Only in this show, guys. Only in this show.

But Ingrid freaks out when she realizes that she helped Dash cover up a murder, just like she did with Archibald. She thinks that, like Freya, the patterns of her life are repeating. This is a very cool concept. I like it. Dash, however, does not and he tells her that unlike Archibald, he is not evil. 

Not yet, Dash, not yet. 

Ingrid seems to agree with me and she tells Dash that they have to break the pattern by burning the magic journals that he just found.

Noooo. Don’t break the pattern, Ingrid. I like Evil Dash and super powered Evil Dash would be even better.

Back to the bar. Killian confronts Freya about breaking into his home. Freya tells him that Eva is brainwashing him. Killian is somewhat skeptical.

Spike finishes carving up Bug Boy.

Dash burns the spellbooks. Ingrid tells him that he has to fix everything, starting with telling Killian the truth. Oh, this is going to be bad.

Killian returns home with Freya. Eva is standing in front of the window. Her grandmother is dead and Eva now looks old. She tells Killian that she was born a mortal woman but that she bound herself to a warlock. She would remain immortal as long as she bore a warlock’s child. Her grandmother was actually her granddaughter and now that she’s dead (and Eva’s not pregnant) the spell is broken. Freya and Killian try to save Eva but she still dies.

This is it? There’s not Freya-Eva catfight? Wow. The whole Eva thing was so promising and it ended up so… blah.

Killian cries.

Joanna and Wendy go to the hospital. They have serious CGI badassery, but still find that Bug Guy is gone. Joanna goes to Plan B: calling Spike.

No, really, Plan B is “use the cell phone.”

Killian and Freya bond. They are about to kiss, but Ingrid calls Freya and tells her that there’s a creepy guy at the library and she needs help.

Scene shift to the library. Spike is talking on the phone using Ingrid’s voice. Ingrid’s unconscious body is lying on the floor.

Freya arrives at the library. What? Without Killian? Wow, chilvary really is dead. She finds Ingrid unconscious on the floor. Spike follows her into the library and locks them in.

Killian is in the Winterhaven attic telling Dash about Eva. Yep, he let Freya go confront a creepy guy that scared Ingrid all by herself? I guess she really is the love of his live(s).

Anyway, Dash tells Killian about the whole “I killed you…” thing.

Joanna and Wendy confront Spike in a restaurant. He tells Joanna that he still loves her and that the King promised Joanna to him. Joanna throws a magic scorpion at him. Spike intercepts it and disappears.

Dash’s confession is not going well. Killian takes the whole “murder” thing badly and they fight. In slow mo.

More slow mo.

Slow mo with CGI lightning.

Slow mo with telekinesis.

Slow mo… lord will this fight never end? I’m pissed. I wanted a Freya-Eva catfight and got this instead. Boo.

Spike goes to the Beauchamp’s house looking for Frederick. Frederick hits him with a magic scorpion. Then he makes him swallow it. Eew. Frederick plans to kill the vessel (Bug Boy) then kill himself.

Spike dies. But he also tells Frederick that he left him a present in the garden.

The Fairhaven attic is in shambles. The fight destroyed the little jar with the spell that kept the body of the blackmailer under water. We cut to the river (or ocean) and watch as the body rises to the surface.

Joanna and Wendy come home. They find Spike dead and Frederick distraught. They run to the garden and find Freya and Ingrid hanging from the tree, dead.

Whoa? What?

I mean…

Wait, this makes no sense. Why would Spike kill Freya and Ingrid? What’s the point? But, then again, what was the point of the whole Eva storyline? Or the Bug Guy thing? Or the Dash/Ingrid relationship. Or… anything really? This is crazy. This show is completely unraveling. They offed four characters in this episode. FOUR. And all four plotlines are completely unresolved.

This is lame.

All pictures belong to Lifetime Television.