Friday, October 3, 2014

Witches of East End Recap - Season 2 - Episode 10

The aftermath.

Freya and Ingrid’s bodies are still hanging from the tree. Joanna and Wendy are crying. Frederick shows up and Wendy tells him to go to hell. Frederick tears up and leaves.

It's all pretty dramatic. I'm intrigued. Are Freya and Ingrid out for the rest of the season? That would be a gutsy move. Or will they be brought back in a couple of episodes? That's more likely, but will be a big disappointment if it happens.

But, moving on.

The Winterhaven attic is all burnt up. The Restoration Hardware couches are goners and Dash and Killian are lying on the ground unconscious. Kilian wakes up and moves a piece of wood with his magic. Then he uses telekinesis to grab a poker.


Wendy and Joanna dress the girls in white place them on the kitchen table. They light candles and incense. I like this scene. You can tell that Wendy and Joanna have done this many times. 

Back to the attic. Killian does not kill Dash with the fireplace poker, which is surprising, but much appreciated.

Wendy tries to give Joanna a sedative but Joanna wants to feel the pain. She says that she has to mourn her girls because, even though she expects to give birth to them again, they’ll never be exactly this way again. Wendy tries to come up with magical ways to reverse the girls’ deaths, but Joanna refuses every single one of them. Again, you can tell that they've done this before. Joanna finally takes the sedative.

Killian and Frederick are at the bar drinking shots. Frederick is still pissed at Killian because of what Killian did in Asgard, which apparently made Frederick evil. He punches Killian and says that it’s all his fault. Killian, of course, doesn’t remember squat. A mysteriousl woman watches the whole thing with interest.

Dash realizes that his fight with Killian broke the jar that held Ingrid’s hide-the-body spell. He calls Ingrid’s cell phone and his call goes to voice mail. He throws the spell components in the fire and weird liquid seeps out.

Killian goes to the Beauchamps house to talk with Freya. He finds her dead body and freaks. I’m not sure if he freaks because Freya is dead or because Joanna has two dead bodies on her dining room table.

Joanna slits her wrists in the gorgeous clawed-foot bathtub. I was totally sold on Joanna's grief right until this point. This does not make sense. Cursed people can’t commit suicide.

Killian goes back to his beach shack and starts compulsively listening to Freya’s voice mail greeting and breaking stuff up. However, there’s and African-looking statute that he can’t break.

Wendy finds Joanna and heals her. Apparently, Joanna can commit suicide and, after 400 years, she’s ready to do so. Really? Suicide works? And she never considered it before? This storyline is weird. I would have expected some kind of stoic resignation on the part of these two. After all, they’ve been thorough this many times before. Apparently, these deaths have hit Joanna particularly hard. She really wants to end it all. Wendy, however, doesn’t want to get left behind all alone. She gives Joanna a sedative and holds her while she falls asleep. Aw, I like vulnerable Wendy. It’s sweet.

Dash visits Killian to ask for help with his dead body problem. Killian tells him that Ingrid and Freya are dead. Dash looks shocked, and Killian asks him to leave. After Dash leaves, Killian stares at the creepy statue.

Wendy goes to the bar and gives Drunk Frederick magic Starbucks coffee. He sober ups quickly and Wendy tells him that he had to complete the ritual and bring Grandfather/Odin back to life so he can resurrect the girls.


Oh, this is sooooo lame.

Killian is still staring at the weird statue. He turns it over and there’s a message from Eva that reads, “May you find the way to your true love.” There’s also an address.  It’s, I kid you not, “Barrio Boulevard” in NY.

Oh, lord.

That’s even lamer that the “bring back the girls” thing.

Dash is at the bar. The mysterious woman buys him a drink. Dash tells her to get lost, but she is very insistent. He tells her that a friend of his just died. This just turns her on even more. Apparently, she’s really into post-funeral sex.

Look, I’m just as confused as you are at this point.

They make out in the storeroom-slash-sex-shack. It’s really weird and not at all sexy.

Frederick and Wendy go to an abandoned hospital. Frederick tells Wendy that Bug Guy is gone because his mind is dead. They find that Bug Guy’s body is also gone, and Spike is waiting for them.

Killian goes to the address on the statute. Because he's an idiot, I guess. It turns out to be a botanica. Someone actually seems to be chanting in Yoruba and the god’s names are correct. I’m impressed. The babalao recognizes Killian.

Wendy and Spike don’t get along. “Don’t mistake expediency with respect,” says Wendy. I love her. But I’m still not sure why they want to bring back their grandfather who exiled and cursed them. He hates the girls, doesn’t he? After all, he was the one who cursed them so they would die and come back again. Why would he undo his own curse?

Bug Guy is lying on a bed with the symbol carved on his chest. Wendy asks for a moment alone with him. She cries. She says that she knows that he’s still in there somewhere and that she’s never going to give up. This is weird. She’s just going to pour her father’s spirit into Bug Guy, isn’t she?
I’m so confused.

Dash and Mystery Girl finish making out. Mystery Girl refuses his offer of dinner (aw, Dash, you’re such a gentleman), inputs her number into his phone, and leaves.

Ritual time. Frederick pouts (of course) but lies down next to Bug Guy. Spike chants while using a Tibetan chanting bowl. Seriously. Fire comes out of Frederick’s symbol and enters Bug Guy. 

Bug Guy wakes up, but it’s not Bug Guy. It’s grandfather. He shape shifts into his real form and Wendy looks like she just figured out maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.

Wendy’s slow, isn’t she?

Grandfather magics Spike away, punishing him for killing his granddaughters. Grandfather seems very family oriented. It’s very strange.

Back to the Beauchamps house, where Joanna is commuting with her dead daughters. Grandfather comes in and Joanna freaks out.

Finally, someone reacts logically.

Grandfather explains that he did not want any of them dead and that he is here to bring the family back together. Joanna is skeptical and so am I.

Killan chats with the babalao, who insists on talking Spanish with a hideously strong American accent. Authenticity, thy name is WoEE. Killian tells the babalao that Eva is dead. The babalao seems upset. Um, He's a babalao, shouldn't he already know that Eva is dead?

Grandfather brings the girls back to life. Easy-peasy lemon squeeze.

This is so lame.

Lame. Lame. Lame.

The girls are very confused. So am I.

Blah, blah… trust… blah, blah… new beginning…

Back to Killian. The babalao does a tarot spread (shouldn't these cards be briscas?) and stabs Killians hand to the table. Eva shows up and frees Killian. 

Whoa. Eva? What the...

She heals his hand, using the same “sana” spell that Wendy and Joanna use. This seems to imply that they use the same magic system, which would have been interesting several episodes ago, but, right now, I don’t care. The Tibetan chanting bowl broke me, guys.

No, wait, it’s not Eva. It’s Eva’s granddaughter. You know what? I don’t care about that either. It could be Eva’s right ovary, reconstituted into a fully formed clone. I don’t give a crap.

What the hell is going on? I don’t know and I don’t care at this point.

Frederick and Joanna chat in the kitchen. He says that their Grandfather has changed. What about the curses? What about all the people they had to kill to bring him back? Frederick shrugs up the dead people and asks Joanna to go talk to him. Seriously, mom, who cares if the made you watch your daughters die over and over again? Just get over it.

Why didn't they kill Frederick? Seriously, they killed everyone else. 

Dash wakes up in the destroyed Winterhaven attic. He calls Mystery Girl and arranges a date. Mystery Girl agrees.

But Mystery Girl is also FBI and she’s investigating the carving deaths… and a new body that just resurfaced in the river, covered in a strange tar-like substance.

Joanna rummages in her jewelry box. She gets a key that opens a… time door? She has to go to the past and get something… for some reason. I don't really care. They all go, except Ingrid who stays behind with a very hostile grandfather and Frederick.

I still don't care.

Wendy, Joanna and Freya end up in a dock, in what looks like a Victorianish something or other environment.

The End.

What the…? I don’t… Seriously….

I’m speechless.

This episode was so bad, I don’t even know what to say. Nothing makes sense. Not. One. Thing. I expected the girls to be brought back from the dead, but I didn't expect it to happen right away. That's just dumb. And to help bring the Big Baddie into this dimension because you need him to resurrect people who've died and come back like twenty times before is even more stupid. And why bring Eva (or her clone) back?

It’s impressive. Every single character is acting in a way that makes no sense. This show didn’t just jump the shark, it jumped the Sharknado.

All pictures belong to Lifetime Television.